I Don’t Know Whether to Celebrate or Grieve Whenever I Get My Period

As a teenager, menstrual cycles were annoying, gross, and pointless. I had no intention of having kids and just wanted to rip my uterus out. After I met The Husband, they were a cause to celebrate because it meant I was not going to be a mom yet. After having an early miscarriage and subsequent successful pregnancies, I am now conflicted about them.

Over the past 5 years, I’ve had only about a handful of periods thanks to pregnancy and enthusiastic breastfeeding on my children’s parts. Having one after so long was kind of surprising and I couldn’t quite remember what to do. But the most surprising part was how I felt.

On one hand, it was a relief. Not only was my body still functioning in this annoying way, but it meant I was not having a third baby. We’re very happy with two, so every period will be a celebration of not having a third child.

On the other hand, it means the potential of child is lost. I really don’t want another, but, after a miscarriage, I think of this bleeding in a different way, at least for now. It’s the loss of a child that could have been. It’s not like the miscarriage since I know my body had recognized a pregnancy that time. But it is still a loss. The egg is gone and so is the possibility of whoever could have come from that egg.

As my daughter and I work on weaning, I know these cycles will be back with a vengeance. I wonder what they’ll be like this time. After my first baby, it was definitely different. We were preparing to have his sibling and every period was a way of tracking my cycle to figure out the best time for conception. This time, it’ll just be the loss of an egg.

I won’t lie and say it’s just another cycle. It is, and it’s not. I don’t know whether to celebrate not having a third child or to mourn the loss of a potential child. For now, my mind will waffle, but also wonder if it’ll ever go back to being annoying, gross, and pointless.

15 Comments

    • kat

      Thank you so much for reading. It’s nice to know there’s a man out there trying to understand is as females are so notoriously impossible to understand.

      • thelonelyauthorblog

        Well, it is a real part of your life. We need to understand. Reading posts like this, well, it gioves me a better understanding even if I could never truly know how it feels.

        Have a great day. Stay warm.

  • OneLife

    Glad you are an open minded woman who is neither afraid nor apprehensive to express herself. I think you should be happy for it’s nature’s way of reminding you that you are still fertile. Moreover, since life and death are in God’s control, you should not bear the guilt of loss of a potential child.

    • kat

      Life has it’s ways of surprising me, so I share in the hopes that I’m not alone. It was a very unexpected experience, but I do feel blessed by the potential in my body.

  • Confession of a Parentless Mother

    I’m indifferent about my period because it brings me so much pain. I have to be in birth control to help with my cramps and have a regular period. The birth control helps to a point, but I know it would suck more if I wasn’t on it. Ever since I had my daughter, it’s been werid and off after we stop breastfeeding. I was hoping the pain
    would go away but it hasn’t. Ugh being a woman is annoying.

    Ps I’m sorry about your miscarriages 🙁

    • kat

      I’m so sorry! My sister is very like you and I know it’s absolute misery for her. You’re right. Being female is very annoying. With all the changes pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding can make to the body, you’d think it would say we suffered enough and get rid of period pains.

  • jordanquirkcole

    I’ve had a similar feeling since having our miscarriage, that every period is an egg lost. I’ve tried to shift my focus toward praising my body for communicating my reproductive capabilities instead, even if I’m not utilizing them. It’s a hard transition and I’m not perfect at it by any means, but having that shift in perspective helps make it a little more positive. Sometimes though, periods just suck. 🤷🏼‍♀️ 😉

    • kat

      It’s a very strange experience, and, in a way, I’m glad someone else experiences it, too. Miscarriage has such an impact on a woman. I certainly hope you get a solid chance at motherhood one day. You’ll be a fantastic mom!

      • jordanquirkcole

        Thank you! As time goes on I’m much more able to accept that it will happen when it’s meant to happen. All I can do is stay open and ready for our little one to decide to come 🙂

      • kat

        Yes; I was shocked when I was given the statistics. By not talking about, we give the illusion of it being rare when it’s the opposite and support is direly needed. I hope that with more women talking about it, it won’t stay taboo for long.

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