I Have a Boy and a Girl, But That’s Not Why I’m Done

A lot of people see I have one of each and say something along the lines of, “Oh, you have one of each, so you must be done!”

Yes, I have one of each. Yes, I am done. But not because I have one of each. And sometimes I wish I had more confidence and the wherewithal to say so.

There are, actually, two reasons why we are not having any more. We just got lucky and had one of each. Actually, my husband is a scientist and followed the scientific approach to having a boy and a girl. Yes, there is a science behind it and, no, I didn’t know what he was doing until after the second baby. But, you know what, I don’t care.

Reason 1

Ten years ago I was a junior in college, unattached and fantasizing about my dream graduate program and my eventual life as a psychologist. I loved kids and planned on working with them. I was not planning on bearing and raising them.

A few months later, I met the man I would marry. We had so much in common, except he wanted a big family. So we compromised. Two kids, because we both have siblings and couldn’t imagine having an only child. Reflecting on my son’s almost 3 years of being an only child, trust me, it’s a good thing he isn’t an only child.

So, two kids it was!

Reason 2

Even if we had wanted more, I would have called it quits at 2. After 2 late preterm babies I was done. Pregnancy and childbirth were a little too much for me physically.

My son came after a chemical pregnancy. I was fortunate and had zero complications or major problems throughout the pregnancy. He was measuring small, but, then again, I am extremely petite. Everything was flawless and I passed my comprehensive exams for my Master’s degree while 7 months pregnant. Then, at 34 weeks, I went into preterm labor. It started Saturday night and he was born Tuesday afternoon. You can do the math. He was born a day before 35 weeks. It was painful and I hadn’t slept for 3 nights. I had blood clots after and didn’t see my son for the first 6 hours since he was under observation in the NICU. But, looking at him now, you could never tell he was early.

Because of that history, my OB the second time around took some precautions. Ultrasounds almost every week throughout the second trimester and progesterone shots every week starting at week 17. They were supposed to go until week 36, but, considering I was already dilated the day I should have gotten the last shot, I got lucky and received 19 of the 20 shots. I was also sent to Labor and Delivery 3 times, before going a fourth time on my own to finally have the baby, due to a shortening cervix and dilation that third time. My daughter was also measuring small and they had me do a stress test to be sure she was okay. And I did almost everything with a 2 year old in tow. Considering how active I was, I’m surprised my daughter stayed in until 36 weeks. The little stinker was born 1 day before she would have been considered term.

I’m afraid of what they will do to me for a third time. I don’t want to do it. I especially don’t want to do it with two kids.

So that’s why I’m done. It’s nice having one each, but it’s far from the reason why I’m done.

  1. Cait W. "Prayers Over The Kitchen Sink"

    Wow that’s tough so glad your babies are healthy! I am on my 3rd and have 2 daughters. We aren’t finding out the gender this time around since we’re pretty sure this is our last at least biologically (truth be told I love kids but don’t love being pregnant!)

    During my last pregnancy I told my coworkers what the gender of the baby was-another girl! The responses were mostly positive but some people were already encouraging me to try for #3 so I could have that coveted BOY! One even said “Oh are you disappointed?”…really? I don’t feel I need a boy to make my family “complete”!

    • kat

      It’s terrible how society seems to expect parents to want and have the boy and the girl, as if it’s terrible for a girl to have a sister or a boy a brother. The fact that there’s going to be a baby should be all that matters. And, wow, I can’t imagine having 3! I’m one of 3 myself and know we had to have been rough on our mom. It’s so exciting to wait for birth to find out the gender. We wanted to know right away, but one of my cousins is on her 3rd and hasn’t found out for any of them. The anticipation is exciting! Congratulations, and I hope your baby is beautiful and healthy!

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