• Finding Magic in Motherhood, Part 8: The Fears, the Symptoms, the Uncertainties

    Finding Magic in Motherhood, Part 8: The Fears, the Symptoms, the Uncertainties

    As overjoyed as I was to learn I had conceived so soon after miscarrying and to see such an amazingly dark line, it was quickly tempered by fear, worry, and doubt. This time around was vastly different from the first. Instead of dizziness, I had annoying headaches. Instead of being quite sleepy, I felt wide awake. The line on the pregnancy test was dark and stark instead of pale and almost invisible. I couldn’t help but worry that something was going to go wrong. My friends knew I had lost my first pregnancy and they stepped carefully around me when the topics of kids and pregnancy came up. They knew…

  • Finding Magic in Motherhood, Part 7: I Should Have Known Something Was Going On

    Finding Magic in Motherhood, Part 7: I Should Have Known Something Was Going On

    Despite my husband’s reassurances, I was prepared for the long wait for another positive pregnancy test. The doctor had said to wait 3 months, but we had decided to not follow his advice. Still, there was no guarantee I would ovulate any time soon, no guarantee I would get pregnant again right away, no guarantee that my body was actually ready, or even capable of, carrying a child. After the miscarriage, I had to go in for blood work to make sure my hCG level was going down. Fortunately, it did, and I stopped getting positive pregnancy tests. I was nervous, but it was time to try again. The end…

  • Finding Magic in Motherhood, Part 6: The Story of a Lamp

    Finding Magic in Motherhood, Part 6: The Story of a Lamp

    When I first envisioned my road to motherhood, it was full of sparkles and glows. I thought of my body changing, had even said goodbye to my pre-baby body in preparation for the coming changes. I expected morning sickness, aches, exhaustion, and a growing belly that I couldn’t wait to show off. I didn’t expect the dark days, the days painted black with night even while bright sunlight cornered me. I didn’t expect to have the magic of my motherhood journey sucked out of my life. The week after our miscarriage was easily the hardest 7 days of my life. Women I knew, who already had a child, were both…

  • Finding Magic in Motherhood, Part 5: The Miscarriage

    Finding Magic in Motherhood Part 5: The Miscarriage

    In all the plans my husband and I formulated, we never even considered miscarriage. We knew it existed, but didn’t know much beyond that. There wasn’t a history of miscarriage in my family that we knew of. My mom had never miscarried. There was no reason for me to think it would happen to me. I didn’t know it just happens, and there’s no telling who will miscarry and when. The Early Excitement Our plan worked flawlessly. We used ovulation tests, waited the two weeks, and then tested on a chosen day. We got a faint pink line, but a line was a line. No matter how faint, it meant…

  • What I Could Have Used After My Miscarriage

    For 26 years I lived a very happy, very stable life. I excelled at everything I wanted to, and even did well at the things I didn’t care about. I had, and still have, wonderful friendships. I never had a bad romantic relationship or devastating breakup. Other than the early losses of grandparents and gains of little siblings who stole my mommy’s attention, I was blessed with a very emotionally stable life. Until I was 26. When I lost my first pregnancy. When the women around me had successfully gotten pregnant and given birth or were happily expecting. My husband and I were devastated and crushed by our loss. Emotionally,…

  • I Don’t Know Whether to Celebrate or Grieve Whenever I Get My Period

    As a teenager, menstrual cycles were annoying, gross, and pointless. I had no intention of having kids and just wanted to rip my uterus out. After I met The Husband, they were a cause to celebrate because it meant I was not going to be a mom yet. After having an early miscarriage and subsequent successful pregnancies, I am now conflicted about them. Over the past 5 years, I’ve had only about a handful of periods thanks to pregnancy and enthusiastic breastfeeding on my children’s parts. Having one after so long was kind of surprising and I couldn’t quite remember what to do. But the most surprising part was how I felt.…

  • Smile: My Miscarriage Story (Repost)

    As October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I am reposting my miscarriage story, which was originally posted on March 26, 2018. My son was born 4 years ago, before “rainbow baby” was a commonly used term. I certainly hadn’t heard of it until he was 1. Even though he is a rainbow baby, I have a hard time thinking of him in that way. He isn’t my rainbow. He is something else altogether. I remember our excitement when we finally determined it was time to start trying for our first baby.  I was lucky; it happened on the first try. But the test line was so faint…but…

  • Smile: My Miscarriage Story

    My son was born almost 4 years ago, before “rainbow baby” was a commonly used term. I certainly hadn’t heard of it until he was 1. Even though he is a rainbow baby, I have a hard time thinking of him in that way. He isn’t my rainbow. He is something else altogether. I remember our excitement when we finally determined it was time to start trying for our first baby.  I was lucky; it happened on the first try. But the test line was so faint…but the box said a line was a line. I was pregnant. Almost immediately I started feeling the effects. Going to the bathroom twice…