What If…?

What If I took my child to school one day

And sent him off with a hug and kiss and “have a good day”

And watched him run, carefree and happy and laughing?

What if I went home and changed his sheets

So he could be surrounded by the soft scent of lavender

As he rests his sweet head full of letters and numbers?

What if I went out on an errand

And picked up that toy or game he had been begging for

Just so his smile could light up my soul

And bring giggles and smiles into our home?

What if I made his favorite treat: cookies and brownies

Filled with bits of chocolate with a side of chocolate chips

Just waiting for his hands at the end of a day at school?

But what if he slunk out of the car in the morning

Grumpy and angry without a goodbye

Shrugging off hugs and kisses because he’s too old now?

What if we argued last night or this morning

And he flung “I hate you” around?

What If I spent the night or early morning crying

Because I didn’t know where I went wrong or what to do?

What if he slammed doors in my face and cursed at my heart

Angry at me and the world, refusing to understand my pleas?

What if he walked into school one day

Whether happy or sad or angry

And never walked back out?

What if my sweet child was stolen from me

And I wouldn’t see him again until I traveled to a morgue?

What if he was an innocent victim

Someone who would never sleep in clean sheets

Or eat chocolate chip cookies

Or play with another toy

Or give hugs and kisses

Or slam doors

Or even lie to my face

Ever again?

What if my darling boy, the joy of my heart,

Died in school one day?

What if…?

What if he never experienced the painful joy of first love

Or the happiness of an everlasting heart

Or the conflicting shyness when faced with a crush?

What if there were no future adventures meant for him

Whether the wild parties of college

Or solitary travels around the world?

What if he never experienced the tough breaks

Never getting the coveted job or promotion

Always working hard, but never getting anywhere?

Though what if he never experienced the thrill

Of coming out on top

Of conquering the world and feeling

Like Superman?

What if his life was meant

To be charmed

Or full of potholes

Or both

But he couldn’t be alive to experience it?

What if…?

 

As you can tell, all these school shootings have been on my mind today. It makes me terrified to send my baby to Kindergarten next year. My heart goes out to those who have lost their children or watched them struggle to recover from injuries.

7 Comments

  • brookejcutler

    This was so lovely and heart felt, Kat. ❤️ I feel for you, I’m so so sorry you’ve been made to feel this way. ☹️ There are so many things I wish for in this world. Right up there is gun control in the US. It breaks my heart, every time I hear: another mass shooting, another, another. 😢 No more, please. Sending comfort and peace, my lovely friend. xxx

    • kat

      Thank you so much, Brooke! It’s so heartbreaking that it seems to be happening more frequently and no one is doing anything about it. Thank goodness no one died today, but we really need to get our act together. Thank you so much for your lovely words!

  • Eva O'Reilly

    As a mother sending my son to school every day, you made me cry. I can’t imagine how it must be to live with that fear every day. Hopefully one day soon things will change for you <3

    • kat

      Thank you, and I hope so, too! The fear sometimes feels paralyzing, but I try to remember the vast majority of schools in our area have never experienced a shooting, so there’s a very good chance he’ll be safe. But, as a mom, the fear will never vanish.

  • mommyslittledarling14

    This has been on my mind since the shooting in Fl on Valentines day…when I heard about Texas I
    I cried. It’s getting way too common… I’m hating every bit of this it’s not fair to our children and the staff. School used to be a place of safety now it’s the complete opposite.

    • kat

      It is! I wouldn’t blame any child for refusing to go to school. Since they have to be there, they deserve to be protected. Thank goodness Sumner is coming up!

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