Where Did This Wall Come From?

I have a wall in my head.

Not a real one, of course. Perhaps a block. Maybe a locked door. Who knows? But it certainly feels like a wall when I crash into it.

And I don’t know where it came from.

I don’t remember having a wall before kids. It’s easy to say it was built from extreme sleep deprivation over the past 4 years. But I’m not entirely sure that’s true. Though I don’t doubt that my ability to think efficiently is at least partially attributable to the lack of sleep.

There are only certain lines of thought that have me smacking into this wall.

Thinking about blogging used to be easy. Perhaps I’m just fatigued and don’t want to think of the content I need to write. Perhaps I just don’t know where this blog is headed or what I want out of it, so my mind refuses to settle on certain topics, color schemes, picking out fonts, etc. In general, I know I’d like to brand my blog, but this wall has me blinking at a gray space. Not pretty.

Then there’s the social media side of blogging. Running into the wall just leaves me twitching. I’ve saved so many articles about how to do Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest to drive traffic to my blog, but haven’t actually read most of it. When I do, my eyes glaze over. A visual wall? Either way, thinking about social media has me all twitchy.

And don’t forget I’d like to be a working mom. If I can figure out how to work from home with my anything but working from home skill set, I would. But I don’t really see that happening. This wall pops up out of no where and has me landing on my bottom whenever I try to consider my options and what to do about childcare.

And can’t forget all the books I want to read. Thanks a lot to Yesmoreblogs and Becky @ Velvet Spade Reads for continually having me adding books. Whenever I even attempt to consider what book to read next, I have this wall laughing at me. Who knew walls could laugh? It’s a big gaping mouth with coral lips and the most annoying laugh ever.

And yet there are things that I wouldn’t mind seeing the wall pop in front of. But the wall seems to be non-existent.

Let’s see, there’s cleaning and organizing. There’s a little me zipping around in my head, noting what needs to be cleaned and making a to do list taller than me. She’s also talking away at how I should organize our stuff and what order I should clean everything and to not forget the laundry. I swear, this little me never sleeps. She invades my dreams sometimes. How annoying.

And then there’s activities for the kids. There she is, zooming around and taking stock of what we need. She considers what activities we can do, what we need, how to lay it out, and how to execute it, all while asking me how much of the activity I want to do of it myself. At midnight.

Geez, can someone cage that little me?!

Well, my point is, I have this wall in my head. I don’t know where it came from, but it’s downright annoying. If anyone knows a wrecking crew, I’ll gladly take their number.

 

10 Comments

  • brookejcutler

    Oh, girl. I am so hearin’ ya! Yep to all the above, I’m exactly the same. My thoughts are that this will all settle once the kids are a little older, that everything that once seemed so sure in my life will float back down on a fluffy white cloud of awesome. Then again, I’m SUCH a dreamer, so who knows! Perhaps, my point is: you’re not alone. Let’s do this! xx

    • kat

      I have the same hopes you do. Dreaming is good. Sometimes it provides all the answers. Sometimes it leads to a rain cloud. But, after a good rain, there are always flowers, right? And walls are meant to be torn down (unless you live surrounded by them and need them for a safe, dry space to live) and I hear kids are good at destruction. Then again, perhaps sleep is the answer.

  • jennifermzeiger

    I’ve experienced that wall! Hang in there. This too shall pass…in the meantime, as you’ve said, find contentment in the snuggles with your babies even if you’re sleep deprived while you do so. =)

    • kat

      Thank you! I’m so ready for it to just go away and be able to sleep more than two hours straight, but those nighttime snuggles are so hard to give up. It’s good to know the wall does go away eventually, though!

  • yesmoreblogs

    I’m going through the same thing at the moment. I’m just goig with it and hopefully it will break soon (as it’s annoying trying to think of post ideas 😂)

    • kat

      That’s the hope, right? That wall really is frustrating. But maybe it’ll start talking, or we’ll lose our grip on reality and have something fascinating to write about.

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